OH, WHERE IS MY LIZARD . . . !

My Lizard List . . . Or, how to live with a member of the Squamata order of reptiles!

1. Does this little guy have a name? Also, comfortable co-habitation requires dropping reference adjectives such as “dang” and “stupid.”

2. Have you tried to talk with your lizard? Sometimes talk can simplify basic issues such as who gets to use the shoes or underwear or whatever, when and for how long. If it chirps, barks, or whistles with a sound like "gecko, gecko" or "tchak tchak tchak" it is not a lizard but a gecko--do not confuse. Lizards employ many diverse methods of communication however, such as having an acute sense of smell, which through the vomeronasal organ in the roof of its mouth gathers scents by flicking out its forked little tongue to catch odor molecules. You are quite correct in assuming your lizard does not frequent your shoes--except for warmth perhaps—for fear of being overwhelmed with the molecular weight and complexity of your foot molecules and the alarm pheromones that are created. Remember, its not a physicist. On the other hand, lizards can hear exceptionally well, so perhaps you ought to tell it what’s on your mind.

3. Speed, size, appearance, and leaping ability are important to lizards – give it, it’s space!

4. “Leapin’ Lizards!” was an exclamatory expression used by Little Orphan Annie (created by Harold Gray in 1924), and unless you have an aggressive psycho lizard, it is unlikely you will be attacked.

5. The “Lizard pattern” is a kind of military camouflage used for French Army uniforms from the 1950’s to late 1980's. If your lizard looks this way it may not be a lizard at all but a teeny-tiny Frenchman with romance on his mind. Moreover, the French are called “Frogs,” which have certain similarities to lizards.

6. The “Lounge Lizards” are a jazz group formed in 1978 by saxophone player John Lurie and highly respected for their creative and distinctive sound. (Do not confuse with the “Austin Lounge Lizards” who are more like geckos.) Your lizard does not belong to this group so do not try to outfit it with a smoking jacket!

7. If you should go “eyeball to eyeball” with your lizard, remember that vision, including color vision, is particularly well developed in lizards (and they have movable eyelids). Most communicate with body language or bright colors on their bodies as well as via pheromones. If it blinks at you, then it is probably love. If it changes color such as bright red, then it is probably a very shy lizard in love. If it exudes pheromones, this too is love, but you may want to be very careful with what it may have in mind—especially if it is French.

8. If it should use body language on you by . . . say, wagging its tail—do not return the gesture in kind, or try to grab it by the tail. Lizards can shed their tails in order to escape predators, and you certainly do not want a hyper-alarmed lizard in two parts on your hands while attempting to wag your own tail. Because most lizards possess external ears which are not detachable, you should try to grab it by the ears.

9. Concerning size, your lizard is normal since they range from a few centimeters—which you would not be able to see easily, to over 9 feet—which would make it a Komodo Dragon or a Gila monster that would be trying to eat you. Since there are 4,675 species of lizards living in all continents except Antarctica (although there are tales of Sasquatch-like abominable snow-lizards covered with shaggy hair) it is likely it is a merely a plain old Iraqi lizard—with French tendencies, of course!

10. Many lizards are good climbers or fast sprinters. Some can run bipedally, and some can even run across the surface of water to escape. If you develop a frolicking relationship with your lizard, it is advisable that you do not try to mimic these things in your hootch or on Saddam’s lakes until you have had government training.

May the two of you be happy, Luv d